* * *
One behaviorist meets another one on the street. He says, "Hi. How am I feeling today?"
* * *
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
* * *
Secretary to Psychologist: "Doctor, there is a patient here who thinks
he is invisible."
Psychologist: "Tell him I can't see him right now."
* * *
A man is walking along the street when he is brutally beaten and
robbed. He lies unconscious, bleeding.
While he is lying there, a police officer passes by, but crosses to
the other side of the road, without trying to help.
A boy scout troop does the same. As do a number of pedestrians.
Finally, a psychologist walks by, and runs up to the man. He bends
down and says, "My God! Whoever did this needs help."
* * *
During a session, a psychotherapist says to his client:
"Today we're going to try and analyze your Freudian slips. See, a
Freudian slip is when you want to say something but you make a funny
mistake and say something slightly different. The analysis of such a
mistake can lead to some emotions you're in conflict with, some bad
memories from your childhood, and so on. Have you made any such funny
mistakes lately?"
The client thinks a moment, and responds:
"You know Doc, yeah. I made a funny mistake while talking to my
mother. I was eating dinner with her and I wanted her to pass the
salad, but instead I said: 'You stupid bitch, you ruined my life, I
hate you.'"
* * *
One day a guy went to a psychologist for the first time. After
telling him his troubles, the man says, "So doc, what's wrong with
me?"
The doctor replies, "Well, you're crazy."
Indignant, the man replies, "I am not, I want another opinion."
To
which the doctor replies, "OK... You're also ugly."
* * *
A Ph.D. student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a
city park and they find and antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie
comes out in a puff of smoke.
The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each
of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the Ph.D. student. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes
topless."
Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and
a Mai Tai on the other."
Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the genie says to the professor.
The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."
* * *
Top 10 Signs a Therapist is Approaching Burn-out:
10) You think of the peaceful park you like as "your private
therapeutic milieu."
9) You realize that your floridly psychotic patient, who is picking
invisible flowers out of mid air, is probably having more fun in life
than you are.
8) A grateful client, who thinks you walk on water, brings you a small
gift and you end up having to debrief your feelings of unworthiness
with a colleague.
7) You are watching a re-run of the Wizard of Oz and you start to
categorize the types of delusions that Dorothy had.
6) Your best friend comes to you with severe relationship troubles,
and you start trying to remember which cognitive behavioral technique
has the most empirical validly for treating this problem.
5) You realize you actually have no friends, they have all become just
one big case load.
4) A co-worker asks how you are doing and you reply that you are a bit
"internally preoccupied" and "not able to interact with peers" today.
3) Your spouse asks you to set the table and you tell them that it
would be "countertherapeutic to your current goals" to do that.
2) You tell your teenage daughter she is not going to start dating
boys because she is "in denial," "lacks insight," and her "emotions
are not congruent with her chronological age."
And, the number one reason a therapist may be burning out...
1) You are packing for a trip to a large family holiday reunion and
you take the DSM-IV with you just in case.