Bonjour.  I am Lemmy Cautionóace detective of Kafkaville.  It is a rough job which causes me to occasionally soil my shirt with perspiration.  From time to time, my adventures appear on the critically acclaimed "We're Geniuses in France" to the delight of people everywhere.  Frequently on a case, I am called upon to romance the ladies.  My conquests have included Peggy Flemming, Tawny Kitaen, and Ms. Paula Poundstone.  And that was no easy feat.  Kids, here are some things I learned in my years chasing desperados:
 
 

CRIMESTOPPER TIPS
*Having sex with your grandma is illegal in most territories.
*If someone looks suspicious, hit them with an axe handle and run away.
*Don't allow a hooker to handcuff you to a strange motel bed.
*Don't give Corey Feldman your ATM code.
*If a cast member from "Different Strokes" moves into your neighborhood, move out.
*Occasionally fire warning shots at random pedestrians.
*Make friends with a pimp named Huggy Bear, Comfort, or Silky D.
*No matter how much the chief urgesónever do things by the book.
*Don't take any wooden nickles.