What Are We?

Heaven's Outhouse is a cult you can live with. You don't need to send money, you don't need to take any special medications, you don't even have to shave your head! You just need to follow some simple beliefs. Oh, and try to ignore those 39 people waving from that odd-looking craft in the tail of the Hale-Bopp comet -- they are just an illusion.

What Are The Beliefs?

OK, that's a fair question. So here they are.

We believe:

• We have the right to feel spiritually cleansed without having to take out a second mortgage.
• We have the capability to retain intelligent thought without "parental guidance."
• Our brains don't need to be washed -- they never got all that dirty.
• The end of our existence should be by natural causes: old age, heart failure, disgruntled postal worker, etc.
• We were given brains capable of rational thought, hence it's OK to use them.
• Q-Tips should not be put into our ears -- that space is reservered for an elbow.
• When renting an expensive mansion, it is also acceptable to rent expensive furniture.
• Barbeques are fine, but you shouldn't use your Waco ranch as the kindling.
• The Truth is within all of us. If we listen to our hearts, we will hear it. We really don't need some clown with a six-figure income to teach it to us.
• We have a freedom of beliefs.
• Our freedom ends where another's nose begins.
• We must beware of those who try to control our thoughts -- they probably also want to control our wallets.
• Other belief structures should be respected, as long as ours are respected. We'd rather not be the Rodney Dangerfield of cults.

Some Teachings

Obviously, many of the above beliefs are meant to be somewhat humorous in nature. However, they are based on some serious beliefs. The Truth is inside us all -- we have but to listen without trying to interpret what our hearts tell us. No two people will see their beliefs as being the same. That's fine -- it's what makes the world an interesting place to live. Follow what you truly believe, as opposed to what you wish to believe. As long as your beliefs to not harm someone else, and you truly believe them from the bottom of your heart (or, perhaps, your kidney, which is deeper than your heart), they simply cannot be wrong. It is perfectly acceptable to think and to laugh. We were put on this planet with brains and senses of humor (some better than others, with this page probably being among the worst in the humor category, but so be it). Not using those tools which we were given is rather like choosing to not use an arm or a leg. Although it may seem easier at times, we should not let others do our thinking for us -- that would be like rejecting our tools. We should listen to the input of others, but the decisions must ultimately remain our own if we are to function as we were designed.

But Seriously...

It's time to lighten up. Life is serious enough -- we should all try to add enjoyment to our lives and the lives of others, whenever possible. The means for doing so will vary from person to person, but the effort should be made. Meanwhile, if you should see a spacecraft in the tail of the Hale-Bopp comet, and you see 39 people waving at you, smile, and return the friendly gesture. Maybe they'll still be willing to take you along when they return for their luggage!

I hope no one was offended by my rather bizarre sense of humor. If you were, well, at least there wasn't any strong language on this page! Just unload your problems in Heaven's Outhouse, and everything will once again feel regular. Have a great day!