Hello! Come on in! Welcome to my room.
Well, it’s not exactly my room. It actually belongs to the hotel. Although, considering its condition, I’m not so sure even the hotel would want to claim it. But, since you came all the way here to Warrensville Heights, Ohio, let me show you around. I’d offer you a chair, but, as you can see, there aren’t any.
Naturally, being a hotel room, there’s a bed. Look to your right. Sure enough, there it is. There’s nothing particularly special about this bed. It’s a standard double bed. It doesn’t even have a headboard. The mattress provides a touch of nostalgia. It’s made out of sections of old Route 66, complete with potholes. The yellow bedspread has a busy floral pattern. It was inspired by the collision of two FTD flower delivery vans. Looking next to the cigarette burns in the bedspread, we see a wooden night table. On the table is a convenient little sign saying, “This is a non-smoking room.” The sign is correct. The room does not appear to be smoking.
On the left side of the room is the dresser. It’s a wooden dresser with a Zenith TV on top. Of course, for your viewing convenience, the remote control is permanently glued to the top of the TV. This arrangement is referred to in the hotel brochure as the "exercise facility."
The wall to the right of the bed provides an interesting sight. There’s a lovely little picture; The Artist’s Garden at Giverny by Claude Monet. Below the picture, there is a series of slices in the wallpaper. Surrounding those slices are a bunch of red and brown splotches. Apparently, some of the previous guests were paid a visit by Freddy Kruger. I guess creating nightmares on Elm Street got too boring for him.
The thin carpet is a sort of steel blue color. The texture is consistent with carpeting in many of the finer used lawnmower dealerships. The evidence, my dear guest, indicates that Freddy popped in while the previous folks were doing the laundry. You’ll note the iron-shaped burn in the carpet next to the dresser.
What’s your question? I’m sorry, you’ll have to speak up. I can’t quite hear you. The air conditioner runs off a used garbage disposal motor. I think a fork is still stuck in it.
Oh, you’re wondering why it’s so hot in here. Actually, the air conditioner is very effective. There are icicles hanging off the curtain. If the vents could be redirected, the rest of the room would probably get some cool air, too. However, the frozen curtain is a good thing. All the bugs on the windowsill are being cryogenically preserved for future generations. Meanwhile, Monet’s picture appears to be sweating.
I don’t believe I’ve shown you the bathroom. Use caution when walking in here. Those tiles aren’t quite attached to the floor anymore. With so many little white tiles, you’d think some of them would stay glued in place. Well, they are firmly fastened down over by the toilet. I think it’s the mold that’s holding them there. Although it’s a little yellowed with age, the shower works. Amazingly, the water is even wet.
Well, that’s the tour. Fortunately, there’s not a whole lot to see. I shudder to think what would be in the closet, if the room actually had one. No doubt, you can tell that I stay in nothing but the finest of hotels. Of course, all this luxury could be yours! It only costs $65 per night. To top it off, you may even get to meet Freddy.
You’re leaving so soon? Well, join me again next time. Maybe I’ll take you to Oregon and the North Umpqua river. Norman Bates has a new little place out there. Just don’t ask what he’s putting into the wood stove.
Pleasant dreams!