| Volume 1 Issue 1 |
The
Incoherent Rambler "All the words I find fit to print" |
May 1998 |
IN THIS ISSUE:
Bouncing Baby Boy Battles Bottle of
Bourbon
Prentice Hall Stops Publishing Words
Top Ten Ways Rednecks Know It's Spring
Editorial Cartoon
| Bouncing
Baby Boy Battles Bottle of Bourbon Disassociated Press |
 |
| BOURBON, KY - People came from all over the
country this weekend to witness the 63rd Annual Pre-Teen Jim Beam Speed Drinking
Championships. The enthusiastic throng of well-wishers arrived toting banners and t-shirts
of their favorite pre-adolescent drinkers. It was a day filled with high expectations and
even higher blood alcohol levels. By all accounts, this year's favorite going into the final rounds was 8 year old Lil' Jimmy "I'd drink fermented cricket piss if I could get a buzz" Johnson. The aptly named and liver swollen youngster has reportedly been drinking Jim Beam since before he could breathe. While still pregnant with the one day champ, |
Jimmy's mother had consulted one of Dionne
Warwick's psychic friends, and was told the yet unborn Jimmy would be a champion. Without
hesitation, this fine woman began drinking like a fish with the hopes of conditioning his
now pock-marked liver. It is to her that Lil' Jimmy dedicated today's matches after his
mother passed away when a freak tornado hit a trailer home showroom she was browsing in. His adversary in the finals on this ominously cloudy, Kentucky day was none other than 5 year old Tommy "Chug & Spew" Beauregard. Tommy is new to these contests, so if you don't recognize his name, don't worry, neither does he (the mark of a true Speed Drinking champion). |
The contest lasted almost three hours, and was
to say the least exciting if not illegal. These two slightly balding, gin-blossomed
youngsters matched each other shot for shot. Each trying, as their forefathers had before
them, to prove their emerging masculinity by drinking their weight in bourbon. And yet there can only be one winner. When the dust and bottles settled, Lil' Jimmy was victorious once again. Tommy had made the rookie mistake of not warming up, and his liver exploded in the final round. The victorious Jimmy was quoted as saying "...Huh??.." before being rushed to the local hospital. |
| Prentice
Hall Stops Publishing Words Rambler Staff |
 |
| NEW YORK - Prentice Hall, one of the largest text book publishers in the United States,
announced today that it was not going to include any words in their 1999 college texts.
The Prentice Hall spokesperson, John Smythe, said the company is breaking new ground with
the new picture-book format for the college market place. "We're just listening to
our customers", said Smythe. "We found that today's college student doesn't like
to read, and finds the task, to put it in today's vernacular, - a real bummer." Experts aren't sure what effect this will have on the nation's IQ, but industry analysts are looking at this positively. |
"It's about time for this", said
Diane Quinlin of Americans for the Obliteration of the Written Word. "Americans are
fed up with those wordy books, and pictures are the perfect substitute. I mean why think
if you don't have to." College students around the country are sure to be delighted at this extraordinary news. George Doser, a Junior at Syracuse University, mumbled about this new format,"Uhh..well..ya' know..it sounds pretty cool, like I hates all them really difficult books with all them words. Take myself, like I mean, I can look at somethin' real good, but reading sometimes hurts my brain." |
His friend, BobWitless, who was sitting next
to George, added, "Books are bad, right George? We do not like books, do we George?
My favorite color is lamp, isn't it George?" When asked about the moral implications of creating a market place where people don't need to read, John Smythe smugly replied, "If people wanted to read, they'd go out and buy a $2,000 Sony book." |
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TOP TEN WAYS REDNECKS KNOW ITS SPRING
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY
REDNECKS KNOW IT'S SPRING
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