Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the debut of the library
arrangement scheme of the next millennium! After careful consideration of
all the available material, I have come to the conclusion that the current
library arrangement systems are about useful for that techno-danish that is
the modern library as a glass of Kool-aid is for a dehydrated python.
Therefore, I present the TWIDDY LIBRARY STRATIFICATION SYSTEM, bringing the
same blast of fresh air to libraries that the Thirty Years War brought to
Germany. The TLSS is a wave of the future on the Banzai Pipeline, so get
in on the ground floor now!
The TLSS does away with the tediousness of having to process books in
both subject indexing and classification by COMPLETELY ANNIHILATING THE
FORMER. From now on, EVERY BOOK WILL BE ITS OWN SUBJECT HEADING. Say
youre looking for a book on "Eleanor of Aquitaine and the Four Kings". Do
a subject search in TLSS, and THERE IT IS! A BOOK ON THAT PRECISE SUBJECT!
No more having to read multiple works in the same subject area now! With
TLSS, you are GUARANTEED to find only works with relevance to your search!
All other subject indexing systems will be banned, and the ground around
them seeded with salt. Every copy in existence of the Library of Congress
SH Red Books will be rounded up and sent to Europe for use as avant-garde
As for classification, TLSS takes the old, biased, 19th century,
old-person-smelling-like Dewey and LC systems and PUTS THEM OUT OF THEIR
MISERY! First, TLSS disposes of the former idiotic ways of naming the main
classification divisions after LETTERS and NUMBERS! In todays fast-paced,
info-burn world, such common elements have a billion meanings! How could
we possibly stretch them to include classification? Like I don't see the
number 900 in a hundred different contexts every day-with all those more
important uses, how am I supposed to connect it with "General geography and
history"? And LC's even worse! Q for science? No, I'm sorry, but for me
and 90% of my generation, the synapses connected to the concept "Q" are
labeled "godlike smartass on Star Trek", and the Library of Congress CANNOT
CHANGE THAT. Therefore, the ultra-modern, totally robust classification
divisions in TLSS are labeled with such little-used terms as the names of
Latin American capitals. And the divisions are:
Need a new main classification division? MAKE ONE UP! Although you may have to create a new Latin American nation to do so.
Further classification details:
The TLSS will be revised regularly. All rulings on classification matters will be handed down by ME! Obey me as if I was a pope! After I transcend this mortal plane, the TLSS will be revised and maintained by a shadowy "Council of 13", who will decide differences over section coverage, geographic subdivision, etc., by covert ninja campaigns of assassination. I hope to release a new edition of the TLSS every three weeks, and laugh and laugh at those who can't keep up.
As an added incentive to switch to TLSS, I plan to hire bands of
Visigoths to plunder and burn any noncooperative libraries. A trial run of
this program at the Brighton, MA. Boston Public Library branch resulted in the reduction of
the building to a smoking ruin, the eerie silence broken only by the caws
of satiated crows and the chuckling of the barbarian warriors as they
easily disabled the Cyberpatrol software and browsed on over to
As you can see, TLSS will readily guide us into a brave new world. In closing, I beg my audience to have pity on me. Finals will be over soon.