Thursday, December 11, 2003
The Sands of Time march on -- No, sand doesn't march, it's turning, not marching on. -- No, the Wheel of Time is turning, or is that the Wheel in the Sky? -- What does Sand do? I used to be able to remember these things.
Caught in the act
I'm having library issues which are actually age issues. I keep going in to pick up the next installment of Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events, but it's in the kid's section, because, well, it's a kid's book. But I hate going into the kids section because I feel like people are going to be like, "Hey, what's the creepy old guy doing here?" and start questioning my reading skill or wondering what kind of pervert I am, so I've developed this strategy: Unlike the "browse your way there" method I use in most other sections of the library, when looking for a book in the "Juvenile" or "Young Adult" sections, I survey the whole area from afar, so as to not look like I'm actually in the children's section. I try to identify the precise shelf my book will be on, then I zip in, grab it, and zip back out. I use the same strategy one those rare occasions that I need something from the romance section. But when I went in to find The Austere Academy, they caught me. They had moved the Lemony Snicket books. They had been in Juvenile Fiction, but they were being moved to the Series section, except that they hadn't actually completed the move yet. They were on some cart in library limbo, but I didn't know that, so here I was using my special children/romance section super speed to ping pong back and forth between the two areas, sort of like my dog does when can't decide which window is going to give him the better view of the neighbor dog as it passes by. Finally I had no choice but to turn off my super speed, make myself visible to the human eye, and ask the woman at the desk. As I approached her I was going over it in my mind."It could be for my kid. She doesn't know I don't have any kids. Wait, I have a niece! I could be getting this book for my niece. She doesn't know any different. Maybe if I just act like I don't know that much about the books. Okay, here I go."
"Excuse me, I was looking for the Lemony Snicket books?"
"Oh, yes, they're being moved. They're on this cart right behind me. Which one were you looking for?"
"Um, I think it's book 5." Great, now it looks I'm the one reading them. My "niece" cover story is almost blown.
"Let's see, that's the Austere Academy, does that sound sound right?" Yikes, answering a question like that will definitely ID me as the reader.
"I think so. It sounds like it's probably the right one." There, fortunately my indecision about the title should leave doubt in her mind as to whether I'm picking this book up for myself or someone else.
"Well, the book before it is The Miserable Mill. Have you read the Miserable Mill?" Damn her, I can't avoid a direct question.
[eyes downcast] "Yes, I've read the Miserable Mill."
"Then here's the book you need."
"Thanks."
See, I thought my super speed was making me invisible, but it turns out that the librarian could see right through me, which, ironically, is not the same thing at all.Selfish Bastard
The next time I went in, the books had completed their relocation, so I was able to zip in and grab The Ersatz Elevator without incident, but while I was grabbing it, I noticed there was only one copy of The Vile Village on the shelf. "I better grab that one, too," I thought, "Or someone else might have borrowed it by the time I come back for it." So I headed to the checkout counter, but as I headed there I realized that the nameless, faceless "someone else" I was depriving of the book was probably some ten year old kid trying to catch up on his/her reading during Christmas vacation. That gave me pause, long enough to think, "Little brat needs to get used to disappointment some time." Then I checked out and went home. I haven't decided if I've become a curmudgeon or I'm still a kid at heart, just not a very nice kid, a selfish, bratty kid at heart.
I don't know
But I've been told
If you keep on dancing
You'll never grow old -- Dance, Dance, DanceSo since my immature reading habits aren't going to help me feel young, Jenn and I head out to a local venue to "kick out the jams" or whatever the young folks are kicking these days. I seem to remember in the old days going out to a club involved having a few beers, listening to music, maybe a little dancing, and that's it. What does it mean if I'm now also devoting a portion of the evening to critiquing what "the kids" are wearing these days? Is that a sign of age, or just cattiness that can spring up no matter how old you are?
"Oh my, look at that one."
"I'm usually a fan of the short skirt, knee high stocking combo, but that doesn't look right."
"It's the pumps. You can't wear stockings with those pumps."
"Oh, you're right. That just looks wrong."
"Pumps and Stockings just walked by us. You know, she looks old enough to know better."
"I was thinking the same thing. I think I just heard her showing off those shoes to someone. That's so wrong."
"I kind of like 80's rocker girl. The blond up by the stage."
"Nice."
"And it's not just shirt with the sleeves ripped off. You might not be able to see that she also has the fingerless gloves."
"That's a nice touch."
"She looks like she's going to a Joan Jett concert...twenty years ago."
And so on. When did I join the fashion police? I mean my bib overalls, cartoon character sweaters, and cardigans are far from cutting edge. I guess I'm kind of hoping that I look more like I don't much care what I'm wearing, so that's how I justify making fun of people who seem to be going to great lengths to look just as bad as me. Okay, that's no excuse, but what can I do? The behavior is already there, so justifying it is all I have left. And what does it mean when you and your girlfriend are at a concert "making out like teenagers," and you look around to find that all the actual teenagers are not making out at all but are watching the band instead? It means you're the creepy old couple, doesn't it? Damn, I was afraid of that.
posted 12:30 PM
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
FYI: I have long wanted to figure out a workable way to put footnotes on the website (because I happen to like them, that's why), and here's today's solution: Footnotes look like this, and links look like this. Enjoy.
It boggles the mind. Here are two people (B² and mslauren) slugging it out to come up with "the most god damn depressing song ever written," when there's only one right answer, and neither of them have it. As of now, I've read the blogs, I've read the comments, and no one has even mentioned Barry Manilow. He's a shoo-in. I mean for starters you can't be in a very good place emotionally just to be listening to Barry , so he's got to get an honorable mention right there, but dig a little deeper, pull out that Trying to Get the Feeling album, grab the tissues and play the oft overlooked song, "Lay Me Down."
Got dust on my piano
And dishes in the sink
Your side of the bed is cold
I haven't slept a wink
So I read your goodbye letter
To the face inside my drink
Lay me down and roll me out to seaGot your picture in my wallet
And some pictures in my mind
A pocket full of memories
I never thought I'd find
And it's rainin' like a monday
And the world seems so unkind
Lay me down and roll me out to seaLay me down roll me out to sea
Callin' on a mighty wave to cover me
Lay me down roll me out to sea
Heaven if you're ready shine your light on meNow listen to my story cause I haven't told it all
I saw her with her new love
She turned to me and called
When they asked, "how ya' doin'?"
I coulda' crumbled like a wall
So lay me down and roll me out to seaLay me down roll me out to sea
Callin' on a mighty wave to cover me
Lay me down roll me out to sea
Heaven if you're ready shine your light on meIf that doesn't get you, you're made of stone.
The Winnah, and still Champeen...Mistah Barry Manilow!!!!!
I'll see if I can't supply you with the song itself
when I get home, ahem, I mean when I track down some poor slob who actually has this. In the mean time, you can argue or praise my greatness in the comments section. Sometimes they actually work.
And here, for your listening pleasure, is Lay Me DownThe following day...
I don't know why I love this topic so much, pure morbidity, I guess, but I'm going to try and keep track of the nominations here. If anyone minds my linking directly to their songs, let me know, and I'll break the link. But don't worry, I don't think my two visitors a day are going suck up your bandwidth.
The Most God Damn Depressing Song Ever Written
Archie & Veronica Lovage jesse RV Faith No More jesse Let me know if I'm missing anyone. If nothing else, this should make for a great mix CD for some mood music as you light some candles, run a warm, relaxing bubble bath, and search for the razor blades.
posted 3:58 PM
