Monday, April 19, 2004

Election year

Get ready to start the 2004 presidential race.
Ready...Set...--what? Everyone else already started?
Buncha damn cheaters.

Okay, I don't usually get too up-in-arms about politics. I pick my candidate quietly, vote quietly, and know that the office will go to the person who inspires the most confidence in the American people and/or has a close family member running a swing state, as is laid out in our constitution. But a couple of candidates stand out for me, and yet don't seem to be getting the national atttention they deserve, so I offer them up for your consideration:

I think the no-holds-barred slogan really gets right to heart of the campaign. I don't know where he stands on all the issues, but the big issue this year really seems to be who we don't we want in office, and here I think we know where he stands, and many of us can get behind him. I'm a little fuzzy on whether or not he meets the exacting standards of Commander-in-Chief. While he passes the U.S. citizen requirement, I think he may be about three months shy of that pesky age limit, or maybe a year and three months, I can't remember, but I've always been a proponent of throwing over that age limit in favor of some sort of I.Q. test, in which case I think we'd see some of the competition quickly disqualified. This campaign sticker and other fine works of screen printing art are available at Lowrider Press, home of the 9th best stickers in America. Can any of the other candidates boast that they make the 9th best stickers in America? Answer: of course they could, but they would be lying.

As far as I know, he hasn't run since his brilliant campaign in '76 failed to take him all the way to the White House. Still, I hope he considers reviving his campaign for '04. There is certainly a precedent set for people from the entertainment industry making the transition to public service since his last run for office. I can think of three high profile situations right off the bat, two govenors and a president. Howard probably has better defined opinions on the issues than all three, is a better actor than at least two of them, and is more life-like than the third, at least during his time in office. Like Martin, his eligability is questionable. If his age starts with his first appearance in the December, 1973 issue of Fear, then he, too, falls short of the age limit, but as he was already far more than a hatchling at that time, and since he did have a campaign 28 years ago, I think we can assume age is not an issue. Citizenship may be questionable. Some reports have him originating from another planet, Duckworld, but it seems Duckworld may not be another planet so much as another dimension, and I think Howard came from the U.S. equivilent there, but somehow I think our forefathers overlooked the possibility of intelligent, dimensional-travelling waterfowl when they laid out the rules. But then Steve Gerber says there is no Duckworld, and Steve Gerber would know. Still, what we need more than nitpickers this year is options, so I say, "Get down America. Vote Howard the Duck in '04."

So these are my picks. You probably won't see them on CNN, definitely not on FOX News, and almost certainly not on your ballot, but keep them in mind anyway, and also remember that Nobody has won in the past and could win again.

posted 11:11 AM